Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saying Good-Bye
I have thought about Adam so many times in the past two weeks and I have longed for him BUT I am so thankful that things do not always go my way. I have been able to enjoy the past couple of weeks with Owen without having to divide my time between two jealous boys.
Owen leaves tomorrow and I have so many mixed feelings. I will miss him dearly but it will be so nice to be able to make a meal in the evening without a toddler crying at my ankles. When I think of his crinkly nose I want to cry because he will soon make it for his mom and not for me. His frantic and passionate crawling through the living room will never be heard again and I feel an emptiness. With all of the mourning comes a peace that he has a place where he truly belongs. He will soon join a family that will care for him and nurture him. Tomorrow is 'gotcha day' and it means good-bye for me but beginning a new life for him. I hate good-bye's but I wouldn't have it any other way!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The Second Visit
The entire drive to our home I could not stop looking at Adam and smiling. It was like a dream. Two years ago when I let him go I did not dream that I would ever see him again. As I drove home my heart began to gush in love and in awe of this small child who had been spared from abuse for the past two years.
I wonder if I look at him with 'abuse' glasses all the time. I keep looking for the attachment and abuse issues to jump out. Everything that Adam does that is different than what my boys did makes me wonder if he is 'damaged'. He is not scared of anybody and he talks to everybody. This worries me. He has no fear of living on the edge. This worries me. He screams his head off when it is bath time. This worries me. He places food in his mouth and keeps it there for an hour at a time. This worries me. He will not sleep with my other kids he will only sleep beside our bed. This worries me. However, even with all of these worries I want to hug him and snuggle up with him until forever.
I will take him back to his foster family tomorrow. At the beginning of the weekend when I picked him up his bag felt extra heavy. I wondered what kind of clothes could weigh so much. After opening the bags I understood why they weighed so much. His current foster family took hundreds of pictures of him during these past two years and they sent the photos to our place with him. As I flipped through the albums I began to see that this older couple loves Adam as much as I do. He has become family to them. Not only has Adam been spared of daily abuse but he has also been lavished with love.
I wonder if I look at him with 'abuse' glasses all the time. I keep looking for the attachment and abuse issues to jump out. Everything that Adam does that is different than what my boys did makes me wonder if he is 'damaged'. He is not scared of anybody and he talks to everybody. This worries me. He has no fear of living on the edge. This worries me. He screams his head off when it is bath time. This worries me. He places food in his mouth and keeps it there for an hour at a time. This worries me. He will not sleep with my other kids he will only sleep beside our bed. This worries me. However, even with all of these worries I want to hug him and snuggle up with him until forever.
I will take him back to his foster family tomorrow. At the beginning of the weekend when I picked him up his bag felt extra heavy. I wondered what kind of clothes could weigh so much. After opening the bags I understood why they weighed so much. His current foster family took hundreds of pictures of him during these past two years and they sent the photos to our place with him. As I flipped through the albums I began to see that this older couple loves Adam as much as I do. He has become family to them. Not only has Adam been spared of daily abuse but he has also been lavished with love.
Reunited
When Adam came to stay with us I noticed that his physical appearance still clearly showed the abuse he suffered as a baby and there is evidence that he continues to be abused (when he periodically visits his birth mom). Both Regan and I are preparing ourselves for a hard road ahead if we sign the paperwork to adopt him. Before this week I thought that it was money that was standing in our way and now I know that no amount of money can heal the wounds that his parents gave him. I do not need money to be Adam's mother I need God's strength to be his mother and he needs God's healing touch.
As our time with Adam came to an end I was left with so many questions:
- Am I strong enough to be his mom?
- Are we able to give him what he needs?
- What DOES he need?
- Will he be able to attend the same private school our other kids attend?
My mind never stopped the whole time Adam was with us. Because of my emotional exhaustion after being with him for two days we decided to wait until we had one more home visit before we made a final decision about adopting him.
The Most Important Detail
There is one detail that I have forgotten to include. Two years ago when we let Adam go I loved him just as I love my other four children. The decision to turn him into social services was made because I felt it was the only way to keep him safe from his family's abuse and not because I wanted him to go. It was with great mourning that I said good-bye and it was not an easy process to let go and know that his future was in God's hands. I have never stopped praying for him and it was not until recently that I could look at his pictures and 'smile because we had him for a time' rather than cry because I missed him.
While I have reservations about adding another child to our family my heart is leaping with JOY at the chance to be reunited with him. Two years ago I wanted nothing more than to be his mommy. Today, I believe, the only thing holding me back from picking him up from his current foster family is my lack of Faith that GOD WILL PROVIDE.
It is interesting that I daily encourage others to have faith and trust in God but as it hits close to home I am letting my fears overtake me.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…”Ephesians 3:20
While I have reservations about adding another child to our family my heart is leaping with JOY at the chance to be reunited with him. Two years ago I wanted nothing more than to be his mommy. Today, I believe, the only thing holding me back from picking him up from his current foster family is my lack of Faith that GOD WILL PROVIDE.
It is interesting that I daily encourage others to have faith and trust in God but as it hits close to home I am letting my fears overtake me.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…”Ephesians 3:20
A Phone Call
I received an interesting phone call last month. The boy we used to foster, Adam, his mom called. She asked if I would consider adopting Adam. The phone call was short so I did not know if she was serious or not. A couple of days later we got a call from Adam's mom's social worker asking if I could come to the office and meet with her. Apparently Adam's mom just had her fifth child and she truly is wanting to give Adam up for adoption.
These past few months have been wonderful. Our lives seem to be settled, not too rushed, nor too chaotic. While I have always enjoyed my kids they have recently become helpful and less of a chore. Our new boarding student this year is extremely polite and he is also helpful. Because of their help I am able to spend the majority of my day (while they are at school) working with the ministry. I have less chores to do around my house so when they leave for school I can leave to run errands. This makes the idea of adopting Adam a very difficult decision for me. I am comfortable with the way things are.
Before I met with the social workers on Thursday both Regan and I decided that if there were a chance that Adam could be adopted internationally that would be our first choice. For Regan, it is not about whether or not he loves Adam but rather what is best for Adam. In Regan's mind the only way we are an option for adopting Adam is if Adam is unable to be adopted internationally. While my heart still loves Adam my practical and grounded side agrees with Regan. I went to the meeting with full expectation that Zhu Yue wanted Adam to be adopted by anyone. After a few minutes of small talk I asked the 'pivotal' question "Would Zhu Yue consider Adam for an international adoption? He would be much better served by the American or Canadian education systems so this is probably the best option for Adam." The social worker looked at me like I had just asked to put Adam in another abusive home. Her response was a definitive, "Zhu Yue wants you to adopt him or else she wants him to be in the Taiwanese orphanage/foster care system." This response from the social worker has put Regan and I in a position where we are now having to make a decision.
All of our children are aware of the decision we are making. They have been told that adding Adam would mean sacrifices for them too. Since he was abused he may have some delays. Since he cannot speak English this will mean they will have to help him feel welcome using their Chinese. This also means that they will have to forego some of the 'fun' things that they are used to doing and having because another child means more expenses. After telling them this we asked them their opinion about adopting Adam. They responded with a resounding 'YES'.
Please pray for us as we talk about the pros and cons of adding another child to our family. We both know that God's will 'trumps' all of the pros and cons so pray especially that we would know God's will for Adam. It is very easy for me to get emotional as I look back at the photos of him and it is very easy for my heartstrings to be pulled. It would take very little for me to forget all of the difficulties of adding another child if I were sure that is what we were supposed to do. I want both Regan and I to hear God's voice LOUD and CLEAR as we make this life-changing decision.
These past few months have been wonderful. Our lives seem to be settled, not too rushed, nor too chaotic. While I have always enjoyed my kids they have recently become helpful and less of a chore. Our new boarding student this year is extremely polite and he is also helpful. Because of their help I am able to spend the majority of my day (while they are at school) working with the ministry. I have less chores to do around my house so when they leave for school I can leave to run errands. This makes the idea of adopting Adam a very difficult decision for me. I am comfortable with the way things are.
Before I met with the social workers on Thursday both Regan and I decided that if there were a chance that Adam could be adopted internationally that would be our first choice. For Regan, it is not about whether or not he loves Adam but rather what is best for Adam. In Regan's mind the only way we are an option for adopting Adam is if Adam is unable to be adopted internationally. While my heart still loves Adam my practical and grounded side agrees with Regan. I went to the meeting with full expectation that Zhu Yue wanted Adam to be adopted by anyone. After a few minutes of small talk I asked the 'pivotal' question "Would Zhu Yue consider Adam for an international adoption? He would be much better served by the American or Canadian education systems so this is probably the best option for Adam." The social worker looked at me like I had just asked to put Adam in another abusive home. Her response was a definitive, "Zhu Yue wants you to adopt him or else she wants him to be in the Taiwanese orphanage/foster care system." This response from the social worker has put Regan and I in a position where we are now having to make a decision.
All of our children are aware of the decision we are making. They have been told that adding Adam would mean sacrifices for them too. Since he was abused he may have some delays. Since he cannot speak English this will mean they will have to help him feel welcome using their Chinese. This also means that they will have to forego some of the 'fun' things that they are used to doing and having because another child means more expenses. After telling them this we asked them their opinion about adopting Adam. They responded with a resounding 'YES'.
Please pray for us as we talk about the pros and cons of adding another child to our family. We both know that God's will 'trumps' all of the pros and cons so pray especially that we would know God's will for Adam. It is very easy for me to get emotional as I look back at the photos of him and it is very easy for my heartstrings to be pulled. It would take very little for me to forget all of the difficulties of adding another child if I were sure that is what we were supposed to do. I want both Regan and I to hear God's voice LOUD and CLEAR as we make this life-changing decision.
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