A Letter to a Friend on Christmas Day

We were able to have Adam here for a week over the Christmas holidays. While having him here is a dream come true it is by far the most difficult week of my life. I am really not sure that God knew what he was doing when he asked us to adopt him. I often wonder if I am strong enough. I guess that is the point right? I am not strong enough and I do not have to be strong enough because God is.
So far our home has not been filled with joyful sounds this Christmas but rather it has been filled with incessant crying. Adam cries so much and when he is not crying then Owen is crying (he is teething and he has a cold). Adam is very jealous of Owen and Owen is very jealous of Adam so this also elicits tears from both sweet little boys. Adam is making a very bad impression on my kids with his constant tears. This hurts me because I want everyone to love him and I want them to want to help him. Two nights in a row he cried LOUDLY for three hours straight. At this point I think my kids are not feeling much empathy for him BUT they do feel bad for me. They are helpful because they love me and they see how emotional I am because of him.
In conclusion, I appreciate your prayers. They are needed more than you can imagine. 

When Christine left I told Regan that I was willing and thrilled to keep Owen as long as we did not have Adam.  I was very firm and maybe even verging on stubborn about my insistence to not have the two boys with us at the same time.  I felt like Adam would need my full attention and I felt it was not fair for him to have to share me with an 18 month old who was also very needy.   

With Christmas coming I was having a hard time deciding whether I wanted to have Adam with us or not after I had been so adamant about not having the two boys living with us at the same time.  I knew the social workers would permit him to spend time with us but I did not know if I could emotionally handle listening to him cry and fight with Owen for my attention.  The week before the kids’ Christmas holidays started I made a final decision to wait until after Owen left or until the adoption was final until we kept Adam again.  I was feeling good about making the decision and I even felt happy with myself for being able to let go and be okay with not having my future son with us for Christmas.  As the week came to a close I could not stick with my decision.  I called social services and asked for permission to have Adam for a couple of days during the holiday including Christmas day.  They made the arrangements and we were able to pick him from December 20^th  – December 28^th.  Others had asked if they could take Owen for a week or two to help out but I felt bad about doing this.  I could not stop thinking, "how could I put Owen in a position to have another transition?" 

The first morning after Adam arrived Regan and I got up together and enjoyed a cup of coffee in the living room while we watch three of the children play together.  My heart was smiling real big as I realized that the three kids we were enjoying together were not the ones that we made but the ones that God had brought to us.  This first day with Adam was perfect.  Adam took on his role as older brother with pride and McKenna showed no jealousy to her to ‘brothers’.  It is reassuring that McKenna is not feeling insecure about our relationship.

The second and third days were nothing less than exhausting.  Adam cried so much and Owen tugged at me constantly.  As I am typing this entry I am realizing that I have been so emotionally drained that I do not have a single picture to post.  I have left my camera in my purse since we picked Adam up.  Here I sit today with Adam crying on one side of me weeping over and over ‘Wou Yao BABA’ and Owen saying ‘up ma, up ma’ on the other side of me.  Both of these boys are experiencing so many hard things and for both of them their journeys from hard places are not yet over.  

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Seizing

Today we took Joshua to the hospital because he had a seizure at home.  We rushed him to the ER.  We knew it could be a result of the stomach flu he was just getting over but we wanted to be cautious.  The doctor assumed the seizure was a result of low electrolytes due to the virus and drew some blood just to be safe.  An hour later the blood work came back and everything looked perfect.  The doctor looked perplexed and decided to order a stomach x-ray.  The x-ray revealed a small amount of stool and a large amount of air.  An enema was ordered and then Joshua would be discharged.   As the enema was placed in his rectum we witnessed him have some major seizures.  Two doses of valium did not help the seizure to seize so she quickly administered some Phenobarbital.  The doctor’s orders to release Joshua following the enema were quickly changed and she admitted him to the PICU in critical condition. 

Not even three weeks has passed since Josh’s mom was put in prison and her son has his first episode of a very serious medical condition.  We got paperwork from the hospital today to present to the judge asking permission for Joshua’s mom to be released to care for him while he is in the hospital.  If this happens she will get to say ‘good-bye’ to him.  This is a privilege that was not allowed when they took her away.

Missing Bible Study Part I

I missed Bible study two Wednesdays in a row. 

On the first Wednesday a good friend went to prison.   

I wrote the little blurb below to share with others the night after she was taken to prison.  I had second thoughts about sharing the story in a newsletter.

Something you may not know about her…

She grew up in the rice fields of Vietnam.

 Something you may not know about her…

Her parents were very poor and they sold her to a Taiwanese man when she was 19 years old.  The money from this marriage/sale gave her family hope for their future.

 Something you may not know about her…

The man she loved was not her new Taiwanese husband.  The man she loved lived in her home country.  They had already been planning a future together and a family together.

 Something you may not know about her…

She moved to Taiwan with her new husband. She did this with tears in her eyes and with a sad heart.  To her, the food tasted strange, the people spoke a strange language, and her ‘new’ family did not like her.  She was lonely and had nobody to talk to. She longed to be with the man she loved and the family she grew up with in Vietnam.

Something you may not know about her…

She felt like her ‘new’ family would never love her.  She wanted them to send her home.  She thought they would send her home if she did something a little bad.  On a whim, she set some paper on fire in the computer room.  She hoped they would get angry enough to send her home to Vietnam.

 Something you may not know about her…

She kept this secret for two years.

Something you may not know about her…

This week she told the truth about the fire.  The truth has ‘set her free’ but the government has put her in jail.

Something you may not know about her…

She loves her son and she loves God. 

In the time she has been with us, she has been an excellent worker, a gentle mother, and a loyal friend.   She has accepted Christ into her life.  Truly, God's mercy has very personal meaning to her. 

Please ‘stand in the gap’ with as we mourn the temporary loss of someone who is considered family.  It is devastating to think that it may be more than seven years before we get the opportunity to hug her again.

Day in Court

We had our court date for Adam on Wednesday and his parents did not show up.  Drugs, poverty, and lack of brain cells have made them very unreliable.  The judge said she had to issue a new court date and she would not make any decisions until they showed up in court. At about 10:00am that morning I began to have butterflies in my stomach.  The kind you get when you are extremely excited and extremely nervous all at the same time.  By about 1:00pm I thought I needed to sit on the toilet because my nerves had got the best of me.  I was excited that I might get to bring Adam home and nervous that I would have to face his mother.  Neither happened so we have to wait until December 29th for our next court appearance.  We've talked to Social Services and they are going to do what they can to get them to the court.  If we can get them to tell us where they live, we will go there, drag them out of bed, bag them and stuff them in the trunk, and deliver them to the court ourselves.  (I'm kidding, of course.  We've actually had a nice relationship with them.  They would really just need a meal and a ride.) 

 

Crying Crying Crying

A few years ago I thought that my third son Graeme cried more than anyone else in the world.  He was an easy baby but the older he got the more he wore his emotions on his shoulder.  At four years old  there was not a morning that he did not cry before he went to school.  I now have a boy living with us that gives Graeme's first place status a run for his money.  This boy turns four next week and he can cry many many times more than Graeme ever could.  Once he starts it can last for an hour or two at a time.  And he can have these episodes many times a day.  Just to save my nerves I am now laying in bed with him while I type in hopes that his crying gets quieter and in hopes that he finally falls asleep.
The more I listened to him cry the more certain I am that we are hearing God correctly in adopting him. I can not imagine going through this drama only for him to have to adjust to another family in 6-8 months.
Although I am tired and weary I have so many things to be thankful for.  God has done so much for Adam.  Even though he has experienced so much physical and emotional pain he has been able to attach to his foster father which gives me great hopes that he will attach to Regan and I as well.  Adam is gentle and polite.  While he is sobbing his heart out he will often rub my back.  It is almost like he knows this hurts me too.  He is generous with his kisses and hugs.  One of our greatest fears was that Adam would be developmentally delayed.  Not only is this not the case but he is ahead developmentally.  One thing that he loves and one thing that will calm him down is getting read to.  He seems to have a keen mind that is ready to soak in information.    

Fostering Adam

We have had Adam a couple of times.  He is endearing but emotionally draining.  I am so thankful for the wonderful care he had with his foster father.  His foster father loved him and smothered him with attention.  In almost all ways this is a benefit for us as well as for Adam especially in the future but for right now it means that everyday Adam is extremely homesick.  As soon as he is tired he sobs his heart out for his 'papa'.  Unless we read him a book he is unable to stop crying.  When he feels like this I am the only person that he allows to comfort him.  He will gently push others away and tell them 'I want you to move away from me'.  I have been homesick before so I have a lot of sympathy for him BUT my ears and nerves begin to get sore and tired as I listen to him for hours on end. 

On the more positive side, having Adam with us has shown a side of each of my kids that makes my heart smile.  Each of them is sympathetic and patient with Adam.  Even McKenna is anxious to make him feel welcome.  Graeme has turned into a big brother instead of a whiny little boy.  For now, we are team helping this precious little boy together.  I know it will come to an end when we begin to think of him as family and not the 'poor homesick kid'.  I am so thankful for the glimpses of extreme kindness and maturity I see in each one of my children. 

Another pretty amazing thing I have seen is that this 'poor little beaten boy' is not stupid.  He may be blind and clumsy but he is no dummy.  The last time he stayed with us he learned his numbers from 1-10 in English (in 48 hours and he is only three).  This time he is learning to be part of our family by staying at the dinner table during the whole meal.  He is even trying to be part of the conversation.  He will blurt out words that he thinks sound like English.  Politeness is another strong suit for him.  He never forgets to say please or thank-you.  He will even tell people thank-you at inappropriate times.  For example, yesterday while we were praying in a circle at work someone was thanking God and he walked right up to her and put his face under hers and said 'your welcome'. 

Saying Good-Bye

I have thought about Adam so many times in the past two weeks and I have longed for him BUT I am so thankful that things do not always go my way.  I have been able to enjoy the past couple of weeks with Owen without having to divide my time between two jealous boys. 

Owen leaves tomorrow and I have so many mixed feelings.  I will miss him dearly but it will be so nice to be able to make a meal in the evening without a toddler crying at my ankles.  When I think of his crinkly nose I want to cry because he will soon make it for his mom and not for me.  His frantic and passionate crawling through the living room will never be heard again and I feel an emptiness.  With all of the mourning comes a peace that he has a place where he truly belongs.  He will soon join a family that will care for him and nurture him.  Tomorrow is 'gotcha day' and it means good-bye for me but beginning a new life for him.  I hate good-bye's but I wouldn't have it any other way!

The Second Visit

The entire drive to our home I could not stop looking at Adam and smiling.  It was like a dream.  Two years ago when I let him go I did not dream that I would ever see him again.  As I drove home my heart began to gush in love and in awe of this small child who had been spared from abuse for the past two years.

I wonder if I look at him with 'abuse' glasses all the time.  I keep looking for the attachment and abuse issues to jump out.  Everything that Adam does that is different than what my boys did makes me wonder if he is 'damaged'.  He is not scared of anybody and he talks to everybody.  This worries me.  He has no fear of living on the edge.  This worries me.  He screams his head off when it is bath time.  This worries me.  He places food in his mouth and keeps it there for an hour at a time.  This worries me.  He will not sleep with my other kids he will only sleep beside our bed.  This worries me. However, even with all of these worries I want to hug him and snuggle up with him until forever.

I will take him back to his foster family tomorrow.  At the beginning of the weekend when I picked him up his bag felt extra heavy.  I wondered what kind of clothes could weigh so much.  After opening the bags I understood why they weighed so much.  His current foster family took hundreds of pictures of him during these past two years and they sent the photos to our place with him.  As I flipped through the albums I began to see that this older couple loves Adam as much as I do.  He has become family to them.  Not only has Adam been spared of daily abuse but he has also been lavished with love.

Reunited

When Adam came to stay with us I noticed that his physical appearance still clearly showed the abuse he suffered as a baby and there is evidence that he continues to be abused (when he periodically visits his birth mom).  Both Regan and I are preparing ourselves for a hard road ahead if we sign the paperwork to adopt him.  Before this week I thought that it was money that was standing in our way and now I know that no amount of money can heal the wounds that his parents gave him.  I do not need money to be Adam's mother I need God's strength to be his mother and he needs God's healing touch.

As our time with Adam came to an end I was left with so many questions:

- Am I strong enough to be his mom?

- Are we able to give him what he needs?

- What DOES he need?

- Will he be able to attend the same private school our other kids attend?

My mind never stopped the whole time Adam was with us. Because of my emotional exhaustion after being with him for two days we decided to wait until we had one more home visit before we made a final decision about adopting him. 

The Most Important Detail

There is one detail that I have forgotten to include.  Two years ago when we let Adam go I loved him just as I love my other four children.  The decision to turn him into social services was made because I felt it was the only way to keep him safe from his family's abuse and not because I wanted him to go.  It was with great mourning that I said good-bye and it was not an easy process to let go and know that his future was in God's hands.  I have never stopped praying for him and it was not until recently that I could look at his pictures and 'smile because we had him  for a time' rather than cry because I missed him.

While I have reservations about adding another child to our family my heart is leaping with JOY at the chance to be reunited with him.  Two years ago I wanted nothing more than to be his mommy.  Today, I believe, the only thing holding me back from picking him up from his current foster family is my lack of Faith that GOD WILL PROVIDE. 

It is interesting that I daily encourage others to have faith and trust in God but as it hits close to home I am letting my fears overtake me. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…”Ephesians 3:20

A Phone Call

I received an interesting phone call last month.  The boy we used to foster, Adam, his mom called.  She asked if I would consider adopting Adam.  The phone call was short so I did not know if she was serious or not.  A couple of days later we got a call from Adam's mom's social worker asking if I could come to the office and meet with her.  Apparently Adam's mom just had her fifth child and she truly is wanting to give Adam up for adoption. 

These past few months have been wonderful.  Our lives seem to be settled, not too rushed, nor too chaotic.  While I have always enjoyed my kids they have recently become helpful and less of a chore.  Our new boarding student this year is extremely polite and he is also helpful.  Because of their help I am able to spend the majority of my day (while they are at school) working with the ministry.  I have less chores to do around my house so when they leave for school I can leave to run errands.  This makes the idea of adopting Adam a very difficult decision for me.  I am comfortable with the way things are.

Before I met with the social workers on Thursday both Regan and I decided that if there were a chance that Adam could be adopted internationally that would be our first choice.  For Regan, it is not about whether or not he loves Adam but rather what is best for Adam.  In Regan's mind the only way we are an option for adopting Adam is if Adam is unable to be adopted internationally.  While my heart still loves Adam my practical and grounded side agrees with Regan.  I went to the meeting with full expectation that Zhu Yue wanted Adam to be adopted by anyone.  After a few minutes of small talk I asked the 'pivotal' question "Would Zhu Yue consider Adam for an international adoption?  He would be much better served by the American or Canadian education systems so this is probably the best option for Adam."  The social worker looked at me like I had just asked to put Adam in another abusive home.  Her response was a definitive, "Zhu Yue wants you to adopt him or else she wants him to be in the Taiwanese orphanage/foster care system."  This response from the social worker has put Regan and I in a position where we are now having to make a decision.

All of our children are aware of the decision we are making.  They have been told that adding Adam would mean sacrifices for them too.  Since he was abused he may have some delays.  Since he cannot speak English this will mean they will have to help him feel welcome using their Chinese.  This also means that they will have to forego some of the 'fun' things that they are used to doing and having because another child means more expenses.  After telling them this we asked them their opinion about adopting Adam.  They responded with a resounding 'YES'.

Please pray for us as we talk about the pros and cons of adding another child to our family.  We both know that God's will 'trumps' all of the pros and cons so pray especially that we would know God's will for Adam.  It is very easy for me to get emotional as I look back at the photos of him and it is very easy for my heartstrings to be pulled.  It would take very little for me to forget all of the difficulties of adding another child if I were sure that is what we were supposed to do.  I want both Regan and I to hear God's voice LOUD and CLEAR as we make this life-changing decision.